Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Chaper 10: The Road to Petition: Astro-intestinal Pleading

Science is a great game. It is inspiring and refreshing. The playing field is the universe itself.

Isidor Isaac Rabi, 1898-1988, U. S. physicist. Nobel Prize, 1944.

Astrology is a great game. It is inspiring and refreshing. The playing field is the universe itself. Oh hang on, I’m thinking of Star Wars Monopoly!
Allen A. Alan, Birthday – Present, British Placebologist and Alternative Scientist, Passed Go, Collected £200.

Illness: Astro – Intestinal Pleading
Discovered by: Physicist, Professor Brian Cox and his Research Comedian Dara O’Briain noted the phenomenon when investigating the topical application of factual information to astrologers. As Prof. Cox and Dara O’Briain are not placebologists they could not attain full alternative understanding of the mechanism of the severe reaction that the contact between these two complex systems produced. Like intelligent people with baffled faces watching an infuriated porpoise flail against a delicious ice-cream they’d offered it, they couldn’t possibly describe what was happening in placebological terms. Luckily Dr Alan noticed the poor bewildered space porpoise but not the use of simile and was able to offer a more or less precise description of the process in terms of its alternative pathology.
Epidemiology: By definition astro-intestinal pleading can only occur in the subset of astrologers capable of comprehending every other word about physics while simultaneously summoning a sense of outrage as well as smashing their fists against a button to sign a petition. Importantly these astrologers have often had accidents dislocating their outrage organ in the past causing it to be misplaced. The proportion of astrologers affected by this condition can therefore be understood by observing the Venn diagram below. Those concerned that the facts of the diagram itself will cause astro-intestinal pleading in any astrologers reading this can relax as astrologers believe Venn diagrams have to be thousands of light years away and on fire before they can affect terrestrial matters.

Figure 1. Some random circles in a pattern that doesn’t mean much of anything unless you want it to. If you like you can call it a Venn diagram. I did.
Aetiology: Understanding astro-intestinal pleading as a disease entity is slightly more complex compared to some other alternative illnesses due to the differences in alternative anatomy that astrologers possess. While all alternative bodies are made up of alternative cells with the usual components of alternative nuclei, alternative mitochondria and other common components of cells which I definitely know all about, the cells of astrologers contain an additional organelle. These are known as celestial bodies and can be seen if you want to take the time and know how to do it. Why this is the case and why it only occurs in astrologers is not currently understood. Ancient Greek alternative physicians used to believe that celestial bodies grew in the alternative cells of individuals born when Pluto (which they hadn’t heard of) was floating heroically through the phlogiston towards the apex of Venus or something. Alternative science now laughs heartily at this idea until it realises it’s a ridiculous, fictional concept and then it stops. The abstract laughter of a fictional concept is justified in this case. The idea that this space ballet can affect biological events, no matter how alternative, in such a specific way is nonsensical for reasons obvious even to that baby over there. No, not that one.
            The effects of the additional alternative organelles on the body of an astrologer are to change the way their alternative gastro-intestinal system works. The alternative digestive system as well as processing alternative food e.g. probiotic yoghurt, is responsible for the digestion of information.  Facts enter the alternative system through the alternative mouth, are broken down into their component truths by the alternative enzyme veritase and metabolised into useable information. Non-useable information, technically known as obvious rubbish is excreted from the alternative rectum. In astrologers however the alternative gastro-intestinal system works in reverse. It seems they are able to function perfectly well in this manner.
From this basic knowledge of the alternative alternative anatomy of astrologers the aetiology of astro-intestinal pleading can be deduced. When facts are applied to the astrologers capable of partially listening to physicists in the traditional sense, their alternative gastro-intestinal systems cannot process it because of all the stuff you just read. Bad things then happen. Not as bad as some things but certainly worse than if you’d just read the more sensible bits of the newspaper. The cartoons perhaps.
Symptoms: Facts ingested through the alternative mouths of affected astrologers are obviously not going to be processed as they are with non-astrologers. Their alternative gastro-intestinal system attempts to dislodge the inserted information through a massive eructation of waste product. While unpleasant this is simply their alternative body reacting naturally to an unwelcome presence inserted in an uncomfortable manner.
Symptoms resulting from this expulsion therefore include angry petition writing, compulsively checking newspapers to make sure the magic words don’t predict a horrible, snotty death for them and angrily shouting the word, “alignment” into the unfeeling darkness of space.
Treatment: The condition of astro-intestinal pleading can be avoided entirely if information is presented correctly to the astrologers. As it is not possible to predict which astrologers can randomly listen to science, all astrologers must be treated in the following cautious manner. Any reading must first be cooled and generalised so it can equally be applied to all astrologers. If any written matter presented to them is too specific and then doesn’t happen in real life as predicted, the astrologer may be make a sad face and be forced to ignore said written matter. All written matter must have a small picture at the top. It isn’t really important what this picture is but an animal or some sort of jug is usual. As long as these precautions are taken then astrologers should be prepared to insert the information in their traditional fashion.
If an astrologer should actually develop astro-intestinal pleading then some comfort can be taken as the condition is not fatal. Once the incorrectly inserted factual matter has been expelled then the astrologer should suffer no continuing ill effects. Approximately 8.3% of astrologers affected will remain a bit crabby for a period after the episode. Regular trips to the zoo can help relieve this. No curative treatment is necessary and the alternative illness can usually be treated symptomatically by ignoring it.

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