Thursday, 24 February 2011

Chapter 12: Make mine a larger: Societomegaly

“The whole approach of building a bigger, stronger, more active society involves something of a revolt against the top down, statist approach of recent years”
David Cameron, Prime Minister, UK.
“"Gentlemen, we can rebuild it. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first big society. Britain will be that society. Better than it was before. Bigger...larger...huge! No of course none of that means anything! Idiot"
Dr A. A. Alan, Knows what a prime number is. Plays the ukulele.

Illness: Societomegaly
Discovered by: David Cameron, the prime minister of the UK was the first person to use the phrase, “big society” in a childlike attempt to describe this illness. Sadly this is just a made-up thing and not the technical way of describing it so it doesn’t count in the slightest. Dr Alan took this series of incoherently cobbled-together ideas and gave them a sciencesque (technical term, copyright Dr A.A. Alan) name which means pretty much the same thing and was considered a genius. Genius is definitely the correct word because he wrote it in his notebook and held a press release and all the newspapers wrote about it like it was a fact.  The most sciencesque way of doing things.
Epidemiology: Societomegaly is an alternative physiological adaptation to an existing deformity, so it follows that only those with that deformity can develop this unfortunate affliction. This necessary starting condition is commonly known as horrible budget cuts. The budget is an alternative organ in the alternative body which really hurts if it gets kicked. This can be seen in the common parlance; “Ouch, right in the budget”. In some individuals the fragile skin of the budget can be covered with lots of large cuts. These are usually located randomly so that that the budget can no longer function as it should. It is not currently known what originally causes these cuts. Research placebologists tried to look in THE hisTORY books while at a PARTY to see what DID IT. Sadly they couldn’t because all the libraries had been closed down.
Aetiology: As has already been stated those who go on to develop societomegaly begin by having horrible budget cuts. The alternative body reacts to this embarrassing condition by enlarging the society to attempt to hide these cuts. It should be obvious by now that society is not technically a part of the body. It isn’t even a part of the alternative body like the budget definitely is.  However as any placebologist with a half-functioning imagination is able to bluff, the alternative body is able to affect society because of science. It’s much too complicated for you to understand so there is no point in even trying. Politics is also involved so the reasons for this become even harder to understand. Luckily politics can be immune to evidence so the science behind this effect can simply be inferred.  Dr Alan refers to this as the Lansley Phenomenon.
Symptoms: The unpleasant symptoms of societomegaly occur as the alternative body is only imperfectly able to enlarge society. This difficulty is largely as a result of the horrible cuts all over the individual’s budget. Sometimes these ooze. Yuck! As such the alternative body will attempt to enlarge different aspects of society with the incorrect component parts. Hospital operations will be performed by volunteer jugglers, local nurseries will be run by volunteer gardeners, (which isn’t fine because the nurseries are the nurseries for children and not the ones for plants) and local banks will be run by bankers. Society could probably cope with these enlargements and continue to function except the supply of money to these institutions will be limited.  The money will instead be used by the alternative body as a dressing for the oozing budget cuts. Yuck. And because of the bankers. Yuck.
Treatment: Logic would suggest that societomegaly could be treated by eliminating the horrible cuts on the budget. Following this the alternative body should have no need to hide them and its attempt to enlarge society would cease. In practice however this does not seem to be the case. However it is difficult to interpret research on this matter as it was performed by a passing milkman who wasn’t really listening when he was volunteered to perform it.  As such the only treatment available is to repeatedly point out that volunteers for various charities do an excellent job often under very difficult circumstances and then ask them to do more while making circumstances more difficult. While counterintuitive this certainly has a very negative effect on the society in question.

Friday, 4 February 2011

Chapter 11:Judge Fruity:Melon Land-Fill Lips

Science is a series of judgments, revised without ceasing.

Pierre Emile Duclaux, 1840-1904, French biochemist/ bacteriologist.

Melanie Phillips is a series of judgement. Revile without ceasing.

Allen. A. Alan, Time Immemorial, British Placebologist/ Novelty Pigeon Enthusiast

Illness: Melon Land-Fill Lips
Discovered by: The disease known as melon land-fill lips has been known by many names in many times. Something like it has stalked the earth since the dawn of language. Neanderthals referred to it as Rah No! The people of Tudor times described it as, “Getteth thee that vile bilge away from me!” Even some non-human species incapable of the language skills required to manifest the disease have been known to refer to it. For example some intelligent-looking crows have been known to violently peck off their own right wings in a presumed fear of the illness.
In the significantly equally advanced terms of placebology, Dr Alan first described the disease after he accidentally opened the predominantly fear-based placebology journal The Daily Mail. Almost immediately he began to hate his eyes and brain. This feeling lasted until he’d had a soothing cup of a tea, a lie down and for some reason kicked an immigrant. Sadly without going back to look at the journal there is no way to know the date on which this occurred. Dr Alan isn’t willing to do this and he cries if you ask him.
In journalistic terms the disease has also been described by existing human Johann Hari. Sadly the views expressed by this individual while correct were not expressed in purely placebological terms and so could not be accepted as proof by the alternative alternative medicine community. Even if he does have a face.
Epidemiology: It is extremely difficult to determine the exact population in which this disease occurs as sufferers rarely report themselves to the relevant practitioners through their ingrained fear of being attacked by gay terrorists, dragged to the nearest Mosque where they will be injected with the MMR vaccine which will cause them to believe that global warming and evolution are real.  Given these beliefs it can be seen why such individuals would want to avoid others in possession of facts and decency.
There are some methods by which the numbers suffering from melon land-fill lips can be estimated. If you take the number of people who can un-ironically say the word “Londonistan” and then minus from that the number of people in that group who don’t immediately have a little bit of sick in the back of their throat then the people left are likely to have the melon land-fill lips.
Aetiology: Given the complex nature of the symptoms of the disease, one would expect the cause to be equally complex. However this is not the case. The cause of melon land-fill lips is reasonably simple. Seahorses cause melon land-fill lips. Interestingly in seahorses it is the male of the species that gestates and gives birth to the young, which can be incorrectly but amusingly referred to as sea ponies. This isn’t even amusing. When humans are exposed to this information, a spark of interest occurs. In humans predisposed to melon land-fill lips this spark is redirected down the incorrect mind-pipe and ends up in the hippocampus in the temporal lobe of the brain. Hippocampus in ancient Greek means seahorse. What predisposes people to melon land-fill lips is a deficiency in a little understood alternative neurotransmitter called goodsensagon. Without enough of this vital brain chemical individuals are unable to correctly process ideas, no matter how good. This incorrect processing is what causes the seahorse thoughts to plop down in the person’s hippocampus. When exposed to seahorse on seahorse action they become confused. They begin to think that it’s unnatural. Even though it happens because of nature. They become obsessed with seahorses and how the middle syllable in ancient Greek is camp. Once this thought has occurred to them in an effort for the brain to correct itself it begins to reject and divert these ridiculous thoughts to the lips where they are immediately exposed in the form of words.
Symptoms: Once the toxic thoughts are being redirected from the brain to the lips of the victim the symptoms of melon land-fill lips become more obvious. Sufferers will continuously spout rubbish about the slightest suspicious thought that malignantly flutters across their poor, riddled brain. Commonly they will talk about how maths is gay because of all the long division. They may discuss how environmentalists act like Hitler and that Hitler was green and even how publishing such nonsense in a newspaper is an example of responsible journalism.
Prior to the transmission stage of the illness it is difficult to spot. Subtle signs may be that the individual is staring furiously at the picture of a male emperor penguin lovingly looking after its chick but all the time the sufferer is thinking about how gay the penguin is. This is the tragedy of this illness.  Perfectly normal things get turned into ridiculous connections and get judged, invariably as negative. One previous victim of the disease started telling everyone to boycott water buffalo because they were helping immigrants steal chips from children. Another famously argued that if lesbian couples were given IVF treatment it would cause a crisis of human identity. Luckily the re-directed mind pipes allow the victim to avoid any embarrassment while they are expressing these opinions because they think they are correct.
Finally the redirected and unprocessable, poisonous thoughts start to affect the lips. The lips take on the appearance of a melon. Usually this is watermelon but can be honeydew. It is thought that this is the result of the alternative body trying to protect itself from others reacting to the controversial opinions it is spouting with violence. After all, it is difficult to take someone seriously if they melons for lips; no matter how much garbage they are producing.
Treatment: In medieval times it was thought that illiteracy was the best defence against melon land-fill lips. This is currently known not to be the case as individuals are still more than capable of hearing seemingly innocuous facts that can send them into a judgemental rage. Especially if they go near taxi drivers.
Currently the best treatment is to expose the individual to the opposite of the seahorse. This creature is known as the land seahorse. Contrary to its name the land seahorse is actually a hoofed mammal and can be found in a number of fields and sometimes Aintree. The spark of interest generated by seeing this curious creature (see below for example) counteracts that of the seahorse and prevents redirection of the mind-pipes.

Figure 1: Behold, the mighty land seahorse.
There is currently no evidence that goodsensagon supplements prevent or treat the disease. Although that’s because it hasn’t been tried. But you can’t make goodsensagon outside of a lab anyway. Most placebologists don’t like labs, because you can’t take sandwiches in them. So what’s the point.
Alternatively you can become gay. This won’t help the person with melon land-fill lips but they do find it annoying for some reason. Which can be funny as long as they don’t write it in a widely read “newspaper” or anything.