tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15031428826901692882024-03-05T19:06:42.923+00:00Dr Alan’s PlacebologyDr Alan’s Alternative Science for an Alternative World Using Alternative Words.
By Dr A. A. AlanDrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-73278977713323429252013-06-24T21:48:00.000+01:002013-06-24T21:50:31.956+01:00Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 10Dr Alan in an effort to speak even more borderline gibberish and upset teachers of English across the land tackles Shakespeare and answers the question, to be or not to be?<br />
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Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 10: To be or not to be?<br />
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<br />DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-18041802362549312152013-06-19T16:37:00.000+01:002013-06-19T16:37:33.218+01:00Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 9<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: verdana, tahoma, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.453125px;">Dr Alan takes takes out the frying pan of questioning stuff and cooks the modem of knowledge to ask: was the internet made for discussing bacon?</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: verdana, tahoma, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.453125px;">Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 9: Was the internet made for discussing bacon?</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: verdana, tahoma, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.453125px;"><br /></span>DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-37083851985269987522013-05-24T09:00:00.000+01:002013-05-24T09:00:06.859+01:00Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 8<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">Dr Alan copies the creatures that are the subject of the question and defies evolution by asking, what use are pandas?</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 8: What use are pandas?</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></span>DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-25544367613991272622013-05-18T11:49:00.000+01:002013-05-18T11:49:03.466+01:00Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 7<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: verdana, tahoma, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.453125px;">Dr Alan goes to the top of the world, contacts his inner The Carpenters and answers the important question, why do birds suddenly appear, every time, you are near?</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: verdana, tahoma, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.453125px;">Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 7: W</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: verdana, tahoma, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.453125px;">hy do birds suddenly appear, every time, you are near?</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: verdana, tahoma, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.453125px;"><br /></span>DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-74337811791252369252013-05-05T11:37:00.000+01:002013-05-05T11:37:10.427+01:00Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 6<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">This week Dr Alan does what he does once in a blue moon and dresses like a member of the Blue Man group if they were in boyband Blue and asks; what colour do Smurfs describe themselves as when they are depressed?</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">Dr Alan's Placebology Episode 6: What colour do Smurfs describe themselves as when they are depressed?</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></span>DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-1000790339902670022013-05-02T18:33:00.000+01:002013-05-02T18:33:29.391+01:00Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 5<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">Dr Alan gets out his ouija board and through a subtle method of asking the spirits a question called speaking into thin air, poses the question; which sense is the sixth sense in The Sixth Sense?</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 4: Which sense is the sixth sense in The Sixth Sense?</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></span>DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-68366391523098836682013-04-11T08:59:00.000+01:002013-04-11T09:00:09.866+01:00Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 4<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">Hungry for culture and knowledge? Then this is the podcast for you. In this fourth episode Dr Alan answers the question; why do adverts want us to believe that only women eat yoghurt?</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 4: Why do adverts want us to believe that only women eat yoghurt?</span></div>
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DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-8776681025039781542013-04-07T11:16:00.000+01:002013-04-07T11:17:39.145+01:00Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 3In the third episode Dr Alan realises that it's that time of the month, tears off his clothes, becomes rather hairy and asks; what would happen to a werewolf if it lived on the moon?<br />
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Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 3: What would happen to a werewolf if it lived on the moon?<br />
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<br />DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-57237420984071399592013-04-01T14:46:00.000+01:002013-04-01T14:47:35.516+01:00Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 2<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">In the second episode Dr Alan wistfully looks at the unused lead of knowledge and reaches for the really high-pitched whistle to summon the answer to the excessively topical question; Who let the dogs out?</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 2: Who Let The Dogs Out?</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></span>DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-66769017036085090592013-03-24T13:23:00.000+00:002013-03-24T13:23:04.987+00:00Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 1<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">Dr Alan returns for a second "series" of his much existing Placebology video podcast. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">In this first episode Dr Alan speaks a series of word-noises to explore the Masterchef-based question; Does cooking get tougher this?</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Bitstream Charter, Times, serif; font-size: x-small;">Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 1 Does Cooking Get Tougher Than This?</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Bitstream Charter, Times, serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span>DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-64720100726421556882013-03-15T17:13:00.001+00:002013-03-15T17:13:24.485+00:00Dr Alan's Placebology Podcast "Series" 2Dr Alan's Placebology Podcast "Series" 2 will be congealing again soon. Available here and on that there the iTunes and on a sort of Youtube.<br />
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Catch up on "series" 1 if you like.<br />
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See you next week!DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-42457154130062683962012-12-24T13:49:00.000+00:002012-12-24T13:49:00.207+00:00Dr Alan's Placebology Christmas SpecialThe Night Before a Science Christmas<br />
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A Dr Alan's Placebology Christmas Special<br />
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DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-42100095893778475902012-11-03T11:48:00.000+00:002012-11-03T11:48:10.654+00:00Dr Alan's Placebology Podcast Episode 11The eleventh episode of Dr Alan's Placebology video podcast.<br />
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Episode 11: The Placebtravaganza<br />
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DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-46970080327723125512012-10-27T11:58:00.000+01:002012-10-27T11:58:06.366+01:00Dr Alan's Placebology Podcast Episode 10The tenth episode of Dr Alan's Placebology video podcast.<br />
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Episode 10: Whither is Jiminy Cricket's conscience?<br />
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DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-9146079437825635172012-10-12T10:18:00.000+01:002012-10-12T10:18:22.565+01:00Dr Alan's Placebology Podcast Episode 9The ninth episode of Dr Alan's Placebology video podcast.<br />
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Episode 9: Was the hokey cokey really what it's all about?<br />
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DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-56587210945140214622012-10-10T11:43:00.000+01:002012-10-10T11:43:28.856+01:00Dr Alan's Placebology Podcast Episode 8The eighth episode of Dr Alan's Placebology video podcast.<br />
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Episode 8: Won't we ever get rid of those damn vampires?<br />
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DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-52716223574916018092012-09-22T09:23:00.000+01:002012-09-22T09:23:36.556+01:00Dr Alan's Placebology Podcast Episode 7The seventh episode of Dr Alan's Placebology video podcast.<br />
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Episode 7: Will music ever be completely honest?<br />
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DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-75404552534583591272012-09-15T11:45:00.000+01:002012-09-15T11:45:18.254+01:00Dr Alan's Placebology Podcast Episode 6The sixth episode of Dr Alan's video podcasts.<br />
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Episode 6: Which is the sexiest animal?<br />
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DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-36030808524043508582012-09-08T11:01:00.000+01:002012-09-08T11:01:21.874+01:00Dr Alan's Placebology Podcast Episode 5The fifth episode of Dr Alan's video podcasts<br />
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Episode 5: Where can I buy the most badly named condoms?<br />
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DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-64427377481783569292012-09-02T11:03:00.000+01:002012-09-02T11:03:28.707+01:00Dr Alan's Placebology Podcast Episode 4The fourth episode of Dr Alan's Placebology video podcasts.<br />
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Episode 4: When will those monkeys finish that play? <br />
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DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-62895956831099155172012-08-25T11:42:00.001+01:002012-08-25T11:42:44.997+01:00Dr Alan's Placebology Podcast Episode 3The third episode of Dr Alan's Placebology video podcasts.<br />
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Episode 3: Why don't zombies explode?<br />
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<br />DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-43357534321984203242012-08-18T11:56:00.000+01:002012-08-18T11:57:52.350+01:00Dr Alan's Placebology Podcast Episode 2The second episode of Dr Alan's Placebology video podcasts.<br />
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Episode 2: What are self-service checkouts expecting?<br />
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DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-40511146449281413052012-08-10T14:00:00.000+01:002012-08-10T20:41:51.618+01:00Dr Alan's Placebology Podcast Episode 1The first episode in a series of podcasts where Dr Alan explores the most vital issues of placebology. Nonsense.<br />
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Episode 1: Who is Dr Alan?<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dyX-V3XkGCXqzfZiLzkZSamUlwu1myg9qndFuExgOsMeGW38cLZWMlbRhrlk1hiFxcnOiBCXY755T0ENe8JoQ' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-70129342909349335422011-04-01T00:14:00.000+01:002011-04-01T00:14:25.358+01:00Chaper 13: Write Wing : Mail Pattern Boldness<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: center;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Those who have an excessive faith in their theories or in their ideas are not only poorly disposed to make discoveries, but they also make very poor observations.</span></span></i></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt 36pt; text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Claude Bernard (1813-78), French physiologist, 1865.</span></span></i></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt 36pt; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt 36pt; text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I gotta have faith; I gotta have faith, 'cause I gotta have faith, faith, 'cause I gotta have faith-a-faith-a-faith. Thus concludes my lecture on the overuse of the word faith in George Michael lyrics.</span></span></i></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt 36pt; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: center;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Allen A. Alan, Time Immemorial, British Placebologist and Alternative Scientist, Likes drinks.</span></span></i></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJV7Pe8hWgrYIJtsLb1JSWmn35XdmhGze_xzauqHZcNL_vfzF80UaLhat_qtwjnFOvD3QoxRO2Ux7n-U1FJwl632RnNrWZDsnU-mw_wITJ3KvNNQz6g5YoND4zq3fYA3e7M0Ptzx6oln7w/s1600/Mail+Pattern+Boldness.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" r6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJV7Pe8hWgrYIJtsLb1JSWmn35XdmhGze_xzauqHZcNL_vfzF80UaLhat_qtwjnFOvD3QoxRO2Ux7n-U1FJwl632RnNrWZDsnU-mw_wITJ3KvNNQz6g5YoND4zq3fYA3e7M0Ptzx6oln7w/s320/Mail+Pattern+Boldness.jpg" width="252" /></a></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Illness: </span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Mail Pattern Boldness</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Discovered by: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The disease of mail pattern boldness is in some ways related to the disease <a href="http://dralanplacebology.blogspot.com/2011/02/chapter-11judge-fruitymelon-land-fill.html">melon land fill lips</a>. As such it is known by almost all civilisations and goes by many names and has many faces. The Mayans called it “that which makes us sacrifice so many people”. To the ancient Greeks it was known as “the rock in front of Plato’s cave” and the Vikings just didn’t put up with that sort of thing and bashed anyone who showed any sign of it to death until they just stopped living. As with melon land fill lips, Dr Alan discovered and formalised its existence on closer inspection of the hate-filled, journal of written guff <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/index.html">The Daily Mail</a>. Due to its excellent absorbance and remarkable softness The Daily Mail is often used by Dr Alan in his “smallest laboratory”. One day he noticed there were some words under his “research material”. On reading the words given to the fevered imaginings of the writers he knew he had hit upon a new alternative illness. And then he was sick. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Epidemiology: </span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Mail pattern boldness primarily affects adults. It is not known whether it can cause symptoms in children but it is unlikely as most children do not have access to a printing press or can hold sufficient rage without their fragile bones crumbling to dust. Mail pattern boldness has primarily been observed in men but occurs with equal prevalence in women. In men the disease tends to be contracted by those whose names can be used as alternative names for penises e.g. Richard, William, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Littlejohn">Little John</a>, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Delingpole">Delingpole</a>, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeremy_Clarkson">Clarkson</a>. The more penis names the man has the worse the mail pattern boldness tends to be. This does not appear to be the case for females who contract the illness. Unless there are any men out there who call their penis <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jan_Moir">Jan Moir</a>.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Aetiology: </span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">It is known through a complex series of alternative scientific guesses that with the disease melon land fill lips, a series of ridiculous thoughts are diverted to the sufferer’s lips whereby they emerge in the form of hideous opinions. It has been thought in the past (which is the bit before the present) that since, in some ways at least, the output of those with mail pattern boldness is similar to those with melon land fill lips that the causes of both illnesses are both similar. This was shown to be incorrect by alternative science wrangler Dr Hellena Handkorb who was able to shout slightly louder than everyone else and thus prove that it wasn’t. Instead mail pattern boldness is caused by the magic of crystals. So a bit like gout but more magic. Of course these crystals aren’t actually magic, that would be ridiculous and more concordant with alternative pseudoscience. Rather the disease is produced by a combination of the vibration of crystals and money. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Everybody has a certain amount of crystals in their blood. Don’t check, they just do OK?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The amount of crystals any one individual has depends on a number of factors ranging from their exposure to incense shops to the number of factors the individual is aware of. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everybody knows (for a given value of knowing) that crystals vibrate. The extent of these vibrations vary with exposure to different stimuli. In the case of the crystals we’re talking about (you know the ones) the vibration is greatest when exposed to weekly pay and the possibility of advertisement revenue. The vibration of these crystals is seen mostly in the joints of the fingers and in the part of the brain responsible for stupidity and pointless rage. These vibrations cause the spontaneous writing are seen in mail pattern boldness. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Symptoms: </span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As suggested by the aetiology of the disease, mail pattern boldness relapses and remits with a periodicity determined by money. If an individual is getting money on a weekly basis then the symptoms will recur weekly. This is more complicated if the symptoms also result in revenue from advertisement. In which case the symptoms will occur on a more constant basis and the individual will be left with more or less constant vibration symptoms. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">As stated the vibrations of the crystals are worst in the joints of the hands and in the stupidity and pointless rage centre of the brain. This is known to alternative scientists as the Minimus John’s Purgamentum. The vibrations in the hands cause automatic writing of what can mostly be described as bilge. Hateful right-wing bilge. Sadly the grotesquery of these unfortunate opinions attracts viewers who simply want to gawp at words that superficially make sentences but sound like the thoughts of a deranged toddler who is both afraid of and wants to bully the universe. The gawping can be compared to the staring of viewers of Channel 4 medical documentaries which have a sensitive voiceover but are simply inviting people to look at “the boy with an elbow for a nose” or some such cruelty. Unfortunately for the sufferers of mail pattern boldness the more that people read what they write the more money they get from their weekly pay and from advertising revenue. This increasing money eventually causes the crystals to vibrate at maximum intensity and the unfortunate sufferers are churning out sentences like “</span><a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-1368594/Japanese-earthquake-tsunami-My-wifes-PoW-grandad-wouldnt-mark-minutes-silence.html"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">if Eastenders were realistic Bin Laden would be in it!”</span></a><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> “</span><a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-1357097/BAFTAS-2011-Colin-Firth-I-love-ease-treacle.html"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Colin Firth is a frankfurter on the hot dog griddle of life</span></a><span style="font-family: Calibri;">” and “gypsy monsters stole my policeman’s fish fingers because they are gay”. You couldn’t make it up. Except that last one.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Treatment: </span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Going back to first principles it should be obvious that to manage mail pattern boldness either the crystals should be removed from the individuals or no money should be given to them for their writing. There have been several experimental attempts to remove the crystals responsible for the vibrations but sadly it couldn’t be done because of homeopathy or some such stupid reason. The best way to manage the condition is thus to halt the harmful vibrations of the crystals by not applying money to the crystals and thus not allowing them to vibrate. Individuals with known high levels of crystals should therefore not be paid for their writing and their writing should not be read so that they don’t get any advertising revenue. It seems cruel but it’s for their own good. Without the harmful vibrations distracting their rational thoughts, many of these individuals can go on to write rational articles about the dangers of NHS reorganisation or kittens juggling guinea pigs while calculating science! You’d like to see that wouldn’t you?! Yeah you would. Now excuse me, Brian Cox is on TV explaining gravity. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">If you must read articles which are seemingly published every week to cause outrage in sensible folks then you can do so with this link which caches it so at least the horrible article doesn’t get the web traffic. Happy outrage! </span></span></i></div>DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1503142882690169288.post-63981166108297295222011-02-24T23:01:00.000+00:002011-02-24T23:02:43.948+00:00Chapter 12: Make mine a larger: Societomegaly<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 13.5pt; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #333333; font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“The whole approach of building a bigger, stronger, more active society involves something of a revolt against the top down, statist approach of recent years”</span></span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">David Cameron, Prime Minister, UK.</span></span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“"Gentlemen, we can rebuild it. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first big society. Britain will <b><i>be</i></b> that society. Better than it was before. Bigger...larger...huge! No of course none of that means anything! Idiot"</span></span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Dr A. A. Alan, Knows what a prime number is. Plays the ukulele.</span></span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHny02CMyFa_74T7m4mWDLoZo7r5hn_2UgKhMI9gTmimDEgjPhiEtF6yGrZ1-5yOg_yNZ3iy9htCG9Pel4sDdNAqFhb5ptY-gq0qOrtGj81Cj0-pWdG5sNXLjvcGwcvg1CB1H8ZHkcCYsc/s1600/Societomegaly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="193" l6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHny02CMyFa_74T7m4mWDLoZo7r5hn_2UgKhMI9gTmimDEgjPhiEtF6yGrZ1-5yOg_yNZ3iy9htCG9Pel4sDdNAqFhb5ptY-gq0qOrtGj81Cj0-pWdG5sNXLjvcGwcvg1CB1H8ZHkcCYsc/s320/Societomegaly.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Illness: </span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Societomegaly</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Discovered by: </span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">David Cameron, the prime minister of the UK was the <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-10680062">first person</a> to use the phrase, “big society” in a childlike attempt to describe this illness. Sadly this is just a made-up thing and not the technical way of describing it so it doesn’t count in the slightest. Dr Alan took this series of incoherently cobbled-together ideas and gave them a sciencesque (technical term, copyright Dr A.A. Alan) name which means pretty much the same thing and was considered a genius. Genius is definitely the correct word because he wrote it in his notebook and held a press release and all the newspapers wrote about it like it was a fact. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The most sciencesque way of doing things.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Epidemiology: </span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Societomegaly is an alternative physiological adaptation to an existing deformity, so it follows that only those with that deformity can develop this unfortunate affliction. This necessary starting condition is commonly known as horrible budget cuts. The budget is an alternative organ in the alternative body which really hurts if it gets kicked. This can be seen in the common parlance; “Ouch, right in the budget”. In some individuals the fragile skin of the budget can be covered with lots of large cuts. These are usually located randomly so that that the budget can no longer function as it should. It is not currently known what originally causes these cuts. Research placebologists tried to look in <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">THE</b> his<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">TORY</b> books while at a <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">PARTY</b> to see what <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">DID IT</b>. Sadly they couldn’t because all the libraries had been closed down. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Aetiology: </span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As has already been stated those who go on to develop societomegaly begin by having horrible budget cuts. The alternative body reacts to this embarrassing condition by enlarging the society to attempt to hide these cuts. It should be obvious by now that society is not technically a part of the body. It isn’t even a part of the alternative body like the budget definitely is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However as any placebologist with a half-functioning imagination is able to bluff, the alternative body is able to affect society because of science. It’s much too complicated for you to understand so there is no point in even trying. Politics is also involved so the reasons for this become even harder to understand. Luckily politics can be immune to evidence so the science behind this effect can simply be inferred. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dr Alan refers to this as the <a href="http://www.badscience.net/2011/02/why-is-evidence-so-hard-for-politicians/">Lansley Phenomenon.</a> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Symptoms: </span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The unpleasant symptoms of societomegaly occur as the alternative body is only imperfectly able to enlarge society. This difficulty is largely as a result of the horrible cuts all over the individual’s budget. Sometimes these ooze. Yuck! As such the alternative body will attempt to enlarge different aspects of society with the incorrect component parts. Hospital operations will be performed by volunteer jugglers, local nurseries will be run by volunteer gardeners, (which isn’t fine because the nurseries are the nurseries for children and not the ones for plants) and local banks will be run by bankers. Society could probably cope with these enlargements and continue to function except the supply of money to these institutions will be limited.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The money will instead be used by the alternative body as a dressing for the oozing budget cuts. Yuck. And because of the bankers. Yuck. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Treatment: </span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Logic would suggest that societomegaly could be treated by eliminating the horrible cuts on the budget. Following this the alternative body should have no need to hide them and its attempt to enlarge society would cease. In practice however this does not seem to be the case. However it is difficult to interpret research on this matter as it was performed by a passing milkman who wasn’t really listening when he was volunteered to perform it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As such the only treatment available is to repeatedly point out that volunteers for various charities do an excellent job often under very difficult circumstances and then ask them to do more while making circumstances more difficult. While counterintuitive this certainly has a very negative effect on the society in question. </span></span></div>DrAlanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13392115147057124459noreply@blogger.com0