Chapter Three. In the jungle, the mighty jungle the corpse of a lion makes a sort of damp grunt: Beast Orchestra

The highest possible stage in moral culture is when we recognize that we ought to control our thoughts.

Charles Darwin, The Descent of Man, 1871.

A colleague once suggested I introduce culture into the lives of some of my more socially deprived patients. I don’t know why, they didn’t particularly enjoy being covered in yoghurt.

Allen A. Alan, The Scent of Man, 2006.

Illness: Beast Orchestra

Discovered by: Beast orchestra was first observed in existing human and rhythmic sound-producer Lady Gaga and was described by Dr Alan in The Journal of Proper Provable Alternative Illnesses So Shut Up, July 2010.

Epidemiology: Beast orchestra is only observed in individuals who watch the episode of the documentary series Inside Nature’s Giants where a lion and a tiger are dissected. Inside Nature’s Giants was a series where large animals were dissected for public education. And Richard Dawkins was there. Particularly susceptible to the effects of this television programme are those with televisions on which to watch it.

Aetiology: The disease is transmitted by air vibes to the the alternative optic nerve from the television. These air vibes take the form of wavy particles which flow from this particular documentary. Only the Inside Nature’s Giants documentary transmits these wavy particles or “warvarticles” as a result of proper scientific quantum effects. And also angels. When they reach the viewer’s optic nerve they massage the nerves inducing synaptic relaxation. Synaptic relaxation then spreads to two specific areas of the brain; The blurb of Travolta and the no sursum frenum. The blurb of Travolta is responsible for accurate recognition of dead animals and the no sursum frenum translates the sounds made by semi-popular boy band McFly into a comprehensible form of music which is less damaging to the rest of the nervous system. Synaptic relaxation in these neural structures reduces their functional capacity, producing the symptoms observed in beast orchestra.

Symptoms: Beast Orchestra manifests primarily with behavioural problems. In Inside Nature’s Giants the lion’s roar is reproduced by attaching a powerful air-pump to a lion’s trachea. The lion is dead and dissected at the time. Although admittedly if it were not this action would certainly reproduce its roar. On observing this, the individual with beast orchestra will suddenly think of doing this with all manner of animals to construct a large zoological instrument. Sufferers with mild beast orchestra will be content to merely think about this as an idea. Those with severe beast orchestra should not be allowed near zoos or even pet shops. For further information look up Frank Clayton, creator of the gerbil harmonica.

Treatment: As beast orchestra is induced through synaptic relaxation following quantum massage of the optic nerve through the medium of warvarticles it follows that the cure requires the relevant neural structures to become tense once again. This can be simply achieved by allowing the patient to watch a single episode of the BBC thought experiment My Family. Caution must be taken with the administration of My Family as more than two episodes constitutes an overdose, toxic to the brain structures responsible for the processing of comedy.

Chapter 2. Don't lick a man while he's down: Apathetic Shingles of the Tongue.

Equipped with his five senses, man explores the universe around him and calls the adventure Science.

Edwin Powell Hubble, The Nature of Science, 1954

Why is the film The Sixth Sense called The Sixth Sense? He’s sees dead people. That’s just using your eyes. That’s already a sense!

Allen A. Alan, The Nature of Bruce Willis, 2001

Illness: Apathetic Shingles of the Tongue.

Discovered by: Who cares?

Epidemiology: This alternative illness mainly affects women and other people such as men. The spread of apathetic shingles of the tongue is fairly even worldwide and there is no known geographical focus. It is certainly not true that the symptoms of the disease are much worse in Belgium. That would be ridiculous. There is no such place as Belgium. It is also very uncommon in children due to factors apparent from the aetiology. That sounds like science doesn’t it. Which is of course the point. That’ll be £10 please.

Aetiology: More like eat – iology! Because of mouths. Just a joke there. I’m sure you noticed. As with shingles in the actual body, which can only occur if you have had chicken pox in the past, apathetic shingles of the tongue can only occur if you have had Laissez-faire varicella of the uvula. LVU once recovered from, remains dormant in the mouth causing only slight stickiness of the teeth chakras. Is the plural of chakra, chakras or chakra? I saw that Shakira once. It wasn’t surprising. I had bought tickets to her concert. If “bought” is Latin for made my own with a combination of crayon and wishful thinking. So I didn’t really see her. So to summarise the answer to your question, yes chakras are real. If in later life the LVU becomes reactivated, it does so as apathetic shingles of the tongue.

Reactivation of LVU can occur for many reasons. Usually it is due to overexposure toxins. Toxins are everywhere. A comprehensive list of all known toxins is included in and includes the popular scientific journal The Daily Mail. It can also reactivate if the tongue becomes sad for any reason. So whatever you do, don’t get a sad tongue. Avoid it at all costs. The ways to do this are obvious.

Symptoms: Initially the individual will notice a rash. This rash will spell the name of a flavour of crisps that the sufferer’s tongue wants. Usually this decision will be ill-considered. Hence the name rash. The individual will be overcome by a desire for that flavour of crisps. When they eventually succumb to this desire and eat the crisps, their tongue will be too lazy to taste them. In fact with more crisps the tongue becomes more and more filled with ennui. Eventually after about 11 packets the tongue will be become so apathetic it falls out. Then how are you supposed to insult small children?

Treatment: Luckily the treatment is fairly simple as long as it is completed before the fifth packet of crisps is consumed. After this the condition becomes incurable and the sufferer’s tongue is destined to be on the floor. Unless they catch it as it falls out. Or a cat steals it. Or some sort of fox. The animal. Not a sexy person. Why would they want a tongue? Don’t be disgusting! The patient must simply lick their own elbow once. The tongue will be so confused that it is shocked out of its apathy and the rash instantly vanishes.