Chapter Three. In the jungle, the mighty jungle the corpse of a lion makes a sort of damp grunt: Beast Orchestra

The highest possible stage in moral culture is when we recognize that we ought to control our thoughts.

Charles Darwin, The Descent of Man, 1871.

A colleague once suggested I introduce culture into the lives of some of my more socially deprived patients. I don’t know why, they didn’t particularly enjoy being covered in yoghurt.

Allen A. Alan, The Scent of Man, 2006.

Illness: Beast Orchestra

Discovered by: Beast orchestra was first observed in existing human and rhythmic sound-producer Lady Gaga and was described by Dr Alan in The Journal of Proper Provable Alternative Illnesses So Shut Up, July 2010.

Epidemiology: Beast orchestra is only observed in individuals who watch the episode of the documentary series Inside Nature’s Giants where a lion and a tiger are dissected. Inside Nature’s Giants was a series where large animals were dissected for public education. And Richard Dawkins was there. Particularly susceptible to the effects of this television programme are those with televisions on which to watch it.

Aetiology: The disease is transmitted by air vibes to the the alternative optic nerve from the television. These air vibes take the form of wavy particles which flow from this particular documentary. Only the Inside Nature’s Giants documentary transmits these wavy particles or “warvarticles” as a result of proper scientific quantum effects. And also angels. When they reach the viewer’s optic nerve they massage the nerves inducing synaptic relaxation. Synaptic relaxation then spreads to two specific areas of the brain; The blurb of Travolta and the no sursum frenum. The blurb of Travolta is responsible for accurate recognition of dead animals and the no sursum frenum translates the sounds made by semi-popular boy band McFly into a comprehensible form of music which is less damaging to the rest of the nervous system. Synaptic relaxation in these neural structures reduces their functional capacity, producing the symptoms observed in beast orchestra.

Symptoms: Beast Orchestra manifests primarily with behavioural problems. In Inside Nature’s Giants the lion’s roar is reproduced by attaching a powerful air-pump to a lion’s trachea. The lion is dead and dissected at the time. Although admittedly if it were not this action would certainly reproduce its roar. On observing this, the individual with beast orchestra will suddenly think of doing this with all manner of animals to construct a large zoological instrument. Sufferers with mild beast orchestra will be content to merely think about this as an idea. Those with severe beast orchestra should not be allowed near zoos or even pet shops. For further information look up Frank Clayton, creator of the gerbil harmonica.

Treatment: As beast orchestra is induced through synaptic relaxation following quantum massage of the optic nerve through the medium of warvarticles it follows that the cure requires the relevant neural structures to become tense once again. This can be simply achieved by allowing the patient to watch a single episode of the BBC thought experiment My Family. Caution must be taken with the administration of My Family as more than two episodes constitutes an overdose, toxic to the brain structures responsible for the processing of comedy.