Friday, 29 October 2010

Chapter 6: There ain't no party like a stag club party: Delusions of Grand Deer.

Darwin has interested us in the history of nature's technology. 
Karl Marx, Capital, 1867

I don’t trust technology. It’s not natural. This message is very important. I’d drive anywhere to get it across.
Allen A. Alan, Quotation: The Placebologists Guide to Onions and Verse Podcast, 2009

Illness: Delusions of Grand Deer
Discovered by: This reasonably common disease, primarily affecting the alternative endocrine system, was first observed by Dr Alan on 25th October 2010 after he read some unrelated news about something or other. It has yet to be formally described in any journal of placebology or otherwise but it can be safely assumed that the placebology community will take his word for it. Placebologists by nature are refreshingly trusting. Some scientists did try to criticise this approach but were not believed and assumed to be part of a conspiracy to discredit the placebologists.
Epidemiology: Delusions of Grand Deer by definition can only affect the manliest men, women and children. These men are so manly that the merest glance at a tree will cause it to become a shelf. The simplest wink from them would cause anything female to fall instantly pregnant. In fact there is one documented case of an e-mail becoming pregnant after a manly man walked past. Machismo needs no spelling! Anyone that thinks the measures of manliness are outdated is probably being some sort of woman. Everyone knows that women are the worst kind of men. Of course in these modern times both women and children can attain magnificent levels of manliness. Anyone that says otherwise is going to get punched in the face which will prove it. Machismo needs no evidence! Not every tremendously manly person will develop this condition. Estimates of its prevalence range from anywhere between a set of two percentage points.  It has been suggested that there is a correlation between those suffering from these delusions and the manly refusal to use any sort of artificial means to create fire. Machismo needs no matches! Reesurch haz showed no evidence of dis.
Aetiology: The epidemiology of this conditions hints at the cause. Delusions of Grand Deer can primarily be thought of as being a result of excess alternative testosterone. However it is not the excess alternative testosterone which causes the gargantuan levels of manliness but rather the other way round. The mighty alternative testicles which produce the alternative testosterone notice the massive amounts of manliness and produce high levels of alternative testosterone to live-up to expectations. The alternative testosterone then proceeds to hang around the body intimidating the other alternative hormones with induced belching, heaving lifting and the reading of that week’s Stupid Stereotypes Magazine. Or FHM.
The manliness-induced excess alternative testosterone for the most part is harmless. However in some individuals it results in Delusions of Grand Deer. At risk individuals include those with more money than they know what to do with and also lords. It is thought by people who engage in thinking that the combination of excess wealth and excess alternative testosterone combine in the bloodstream to form clarksonxinol. Clarksonxinol is toxic to the brain reducing the capacity for logic, empathy and not punching things until they bleed out of their stupid, reprehensible faces. Other sources of clarksonxinol poisoning include rubbing yourself softly against any fast car and Die Hard 4.
Symptoms: The overriding symptom is the fixed belief that the world is overrun with giant deer and that only killing the deer and putting their heads on the wall will prevent them from taking over the world. For some reason the delusion demands that the wall the deer’s head be placed on is wallpapered with velvet. Any attempt to convince the sufferer that this is not true will result in the patient calling the enquirer “gay”. With further questioning it appears that the sufferer does not know what this means and are neither referring to sexuality or happiness. A typical quote from an individual with Delusions of Grand Deer is included below.
“The country is riddled with deer. Riddled I tell you!  Some of them are 50ft high. Massive they are. And they can’t be trusted. They’re up to something. Have you ever spoken to a stag? They’re all French you know. But not from France, that’s a lovely country. Dirty, proper French. I’ll stop them though. And the fox they rode in on. The only language those antler-endowed fiends understand is the bitter taste of lead. And fists. And grass probably.  The only thing worse than those giant deer is badgers. Coming over here. Stealing our jobs. Marrying our foreigners!”
Anton St Gontschlager. (Names have been changed for the sake of it)
It is a reasonably common sight to see individuals with this unfortunate condition trawling across the countryside with a gun in one hand, a fistful of sweaty money in the other and more than a glint of congealed madness in their eyes. Many secondary injuries occur when patients are unlucky enough to actually come across a stag and get stuck in a rut.
Treatment: If levels of clarksonxinol in the blood can be reduced then the symptoms of Delusions of Grand Deer will slowly subside over the course of approximately a period of time. This can either be accomplished by either reducing the patient’s wealth or their level of alternative testosterone.
1.      Testosterone Reduction: Much care has to be taken in this area of treatment. Early experiments where subjects were exposed to Sex and the City: The Movie resulted in 99% of those involved clawing their own souls out. This included the people conducting the experiment. 1% was Simon Cowell.

More recent innovations in alternative testosterone induction involve the use of Messy Divorce Leeches. When applied to the patient’s skin they are able to emasculate the blood successfully. They also remove the patient’s wealth by at least 50%, attacking the disease on two fronts. Side effects may include excess blood loss and feeling a bit icky.

2.      Wealth Reduction: A much simpler treatment and one utilised by most practicing placebologists. A hefty enough bill for consultation is successful in some percentage of cases. As mentioned previously Messy Divorce Leeches are helpful if the patient is stubborn enough to request treatment. Finally in a minority of cases the disease is self-curing as sufferers may become deluded enough to pay thousands of pounds for the head of a stag for their velvet walls.

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