Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 10

Dr Alan in an effort to speak even more borderline gibberish and upset teachers of English across the land tackles Shakespeare and answers the question, to be or not to be?

Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 10: To be or not to be?

Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 9

Dr Alan takes takes out the frying pan of questioning stuff and cooks the modem of knowledge to ask: was the internet made for discussing bacon?

Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 9: Was the internet made for discussing bacon?

Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 8

Dr Alan copies the creatures that are the subject of the question and defies evolution by asking, what use are pandas?

Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 8: What use are pandas?

Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 7

Dr Alan goes to the top of the world, contacts his inner The Carpenters and answers the important question, why do birds suddenly appear, every time, you are near?

Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 7: Why do birds suddenly appear, every time, you are near?

Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 6

This week Dr Alan does what he does once in a blue moon and dresses like a member of the Blue Man group if they were in boyband Blue and asks; what colour do Smurfs describe themselves as when they are depressed?

Dr Alan's Placebology Episode 6: What colour do Smurfs describe themselves as when they are depressed?

Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 5

Dr Alan gets out his ouija board and through a subtle method of asking the spirits a question called speaking into thin air, poses the question; which sense is the sixth sense in The Sixth Sense?

Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 4: Which sense is the sixth sense in The Sixth Sense?

Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 4

Hungry for culture and knowledge? Then this is the podcast for you. In this fourth episode Dr Alan answers the question; why do adverts want us to believe that only women eat yoghurt?

Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 4: Why do adverts want us to believe that only women eat yoghurt?

Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 3

In the third episode Dr Alan realises that it's that time of the month, tears off his clothes, becomes rather hairy and asks; what would happen to a werewolf if it lived on the moon?

Dr Alan's Placebology 2 Episode 3: What would happen to a werewolf if it lived on the moon?

Chapter 12: Make mine a larger: Societomegaly

“The whole approach of building a bigger, stronger, more active society involves something of a revolt against the top down, statist approach of recent years”

David Cameron, Prime Minister, UK.

“"Gentlemen, we can rebuild it. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first big society. Britain will be that society. Better than it was before. Bigger...larger...huge! No of course none of that means anything! Idiot"

Dr A. A. Alan, Knows what a prime number is. Plays the ukulele.

Illness: Societomegaly

Discovered by: David Cameron, the prime minister of the UK was the first person to use the phrase, “big society” in a childlike attempt to describe this illness. Sadly this is just a made-up thing and not the technical way of describing it so it doesn’t count in the slightest. Dr Alan took this series of incoherently cobbled-together ideas and gave them a sciencesque (technical term, copyright Dr A.A. Alan) name which means pretty much the same thing and was considered a genius. Genius is definitely the correct word because he wrote it in his notebook and held a press release and all the newspapers wrote about it like it was a fact.  The most sciencesque way of doing things.

Epidemiology: Societomegaly is an alternative physiological adaptation to an existing deformity, so it follows that only those with that deformity can develop this unfortunate affliction. This necessary starting condition is commonly known as horrible budget cuts. The budget is an alternative organ in the alternative body which really hurts if it gets kicked. This can be seen in the common parlance; “Ouch, right in the budget”. In some individuals the fragile skin of the budget can be covered with lots of large cuts. These are usually located randomly so that that the budget can no longer function as it should. It is not currently known what originally causes these cuts. Research placebologists tried to look in THE hisTORY books while at a PARTY to see what DID IT. Sadly they couldn’t because all the libraries had been closed down.

Aetiology: As has already been stated those who go on to develop societomegaly begin by having horrible budget cuts. The alternative body reacts to this embarrassing condition by enlarging the society to attempt to hide these cuts. It should be obvious by now that society is not technically a part of the body. It isn’t even a part of the alternative body like the budget definitely is.  However as any placebologist with a half-functioning imagination is able to bluff, the alternative body is able to affect society because of science. It’s much too complicated for you to understand so there is no point in even trying. Politics is also involved so the reasons for this become even harder to understand. Luckily politics can be immune to evidence so the science behind this effect can simply be inferred.  Dr Alan refers to this as the Lansley Phenomenon.

Symptoms: The unpleasant symptoms of societomegaly occur as the alternative body is only imperfectly able to enlarge society. This difficulty is largely as a result of the horrible cuts all over the individual’s budget. Sometimes these ooze. Yuck! As such the alternative body will attempt to enlarge different aspects of society with the incorrect component parts. Hospital operations will be performed by volunteer jugglers, local nurseries will be run by volunteer gardeners, (which isn’t fine because the nurseries are the nurseries for children and not the ones for plants) and local banks will be run by bankers. Society could probably cope with these enlargements and continue to function except the supply of money to these institutions will be limited.  The money will instead be used by the alternative body as a dressing for the oozing budget cuts. Yuck. And because of the bankers. Yuck.

Treatment: Logic would suggest that societomegaly could be treated by eliminating the horrible cuts on the budget. Following this the alternative body should have no need to hide them and its attempt to enlarge society would cease. In practice however this does not seem to be the case. However it is difficult to interpret research on this matter as it was performed by a passing milkman who wasn’t really listening when he was volunteered to perform it.  As such the only treatment available is to repeatedly point out that volunteers for various charities do an excellent job often under very difficult circumstances and then ask them to do more while making circumstances more difficult. While counterintuitive this certainly has a very negative effect on the society in question.

Chapter 11:Judge Fruity:Melon Land-Fill Lips

Science is a series of judgments, revised without ceasing.

Pierre Emile Duclaux, 1840-1904, French biochemist/ bacteriologist.

Melanie Phillips is a series of judgement. Revile without ceasing.

Allen. A. Alan, Time Immemorial, British Placebologist/ Novelty Pigeon Enthusiast

Illness: Melon Land-Fill Lips

Discovered by: The disease known as melon land-fill lips has been known by many names in many times. Something like it has stalked the earth since the dawn of language. Neanderthals referred to it as Rah No! The people of Tudor times described it as, “Getteth thee that vile bilge away from me!” Even some non-human species incapable of the language skills required to manifest the disease have been known to refer to it. For example some intelligent-looking crows have been known to violently peck off their own right wings in a presumed fear of the illness.

In the significantly equally advanced terms of placebology, Dr Alan first described the disease after he accidentally opened the predominantly fear-based placebology journal The Daily Mail. Almost immediately he began to hate his eyes and brain. This feeling lasted until he’d had a soothing cup of a tea, a lie down and for some reason kicked an immigrant. Sadly without going back to look at the journal there is no way to know the date on which this occurred. Dr Alan isn’t willing to do this and he cries if you ask him.

In journalistic terms the disease has also been described by existing human Johann Hari. Sadly the views expressed by this individual while correct were not expressed in purely placebological terms and so could not be accepted as proof by the alternative alternative medicine community. Even if he does have a face.

Epidemiology: It is extremely difficult to determine the exact population in which this disease occurs as sufferers rarely report themselves to the relevant practitioners through their ingrained fear of being attacked by gay terrorists, dragged to the nearest Mosque where they will be injected with the MMR vaccine which will cause them to believe that global warming and evolution are real.  Given these beliefs it can be seen why such individuals would want to avoid others in possession of facts and decency.

There are some methods by which the numbers suffering from melon land-fill lips can be estimated. If you take the number of people who can un-ironically say the word “Londonistan” and then minus from that the number of people in that group who don’t immediately have a little bit of sick in the back of their throat then the people left are likely to have the melon land-fill lips.

Aetiology: Given the complex nature of the symptoms of the disease, one would expect the cause to be equally complex. However this is not the case. The cause of melon land-fill lips is reasonably simple. Seahorses cause melon land-fill lips. Interestingly in seahorses it is the male of the species that gestates and gives birth to the young, which can be incorrectly but amusingly referred to as sea ponies. This isn’t even amusing. When humans are exposed to this information, a spark of interest occurs. In humans predisposed to melon land-fill lips this spark is redirected down the incorrect mind-pipe and ends up in the hippocampus in the temporal lobe of the brain. Hippocampus in ancient Greek means seahorse. What predisposes people to melon land-fill lips is a deficiency in a little understood alternative neurotransmitter called goodsensagon. Without enough of this vital brain chemical individuals are unable to correctly process ideas, no matter how good. This incorrect processing is what causes the seahorse thoughts to plop down in the person’s hippocampus. When exposed to seahorse on seahorse action they become confused. They begin to think that it’s unnatural. Even though it happens because of nature. They become obsessed with seahorses and how the middle syllable in ancient Greek is camp. Once this thought has occurred to them in an effort for the brain to correct itself it begins to reject and divert these ridiculous thoughts to the lips where they are immediately exposed in the form of words.

Symptoms: Once the toxic thoughts are being redirected from the brain to the lips of the victim the symptoms of melon land-fill lips become more obvious. Sufferers will continuously spout rubbish about the slightest suspicious thought that malignantly flutters across their poor, riddled brain. Commonly they will talk about how maths is gay because of all the long division. They may discuss how environmentalists act like Hitler and that Hitler was green and even how publishing such nonsense in a newspaper is an example of responsible journalism.

Prior to the transmission stage of the illness it is difficult to spot. Subtle signs may be that the individual is staring furiously at the picture of a male emperor penguin lovingly looking after its chick but all the time the sufferer is thinking about how gay the penguin is. This is the tragedy of this illness.  Perfectly normal things get turned into ridiculous connections and get judged, invariably as negative. One previous victim of the disease started telling everyone to boycott water buffalo because they were helping immigrants steal chips from children. Another famously argued that if lesbian couples were given IVF treatment it would cause a crisis of human identity. Luckily the re-directed mind pipes allow the victim to avoid any embarrassment while they are expressing these opinions because they think they are correct.

Finally the redirected and unprocessable, poisonous thoughts start to affect the lips. The lips take on the appearance of a melon. Usually this is watermelon but can be honeydew. It is thought that this is the result of the alternative body trying to protect itself from others reacting to the controversial opinions it is spouting with violence. After all, it is difficult to take someone seriously if they melons for lips; no matter how much garbage they are producing.

Treatment: In medieval times it was thought that illiteracy was the best defence against melon land-fill lips. This is currently known not to be the case as individuals are still more than capable of hearing seemingly innocuous facts that can send them into a judgemental rage. Especially if they go near taxi drivers.

Currently the best treatment is to expose the individual to the opposite of the seahorse. This creature is known as the land seahorse. Contrary to its name the land seahorse is actually a hoofed mammal and can be found in a number of fields and sometimes Aintree. The spark of interest generated by seeing this curious creature (see below for example) counteracts that of the seahorse and prevents redirection of the mind-pipes.

Figure 1: Behold, the mighty land seahorse.

There is currently no evidence that goodsensagon supplements prevent or treat the disease. Although that’s because it hasn’t been tried. But you can’t make goodsensagon outside of a lab anyway. Most placebologists don’t like labs, because you can’t take sandwiches in them. So what’s the point.

Alternatively you can become gay. This won’t help the person with melon land-fill lips but they do find it annoying for some reason. Which can be funny as long as they don’t write it in a widely read “newspaper” or anything.

Chaper 10: The Road to Petition: Astro-intestinal Pleading

Science is a great game. It is inspiring and refreshing. The playing field is the universe itself.

Isidor Isaac Rabi, 1898-1988, U. S. physicist. Nobel Prize, 1944.

Astrology is a great game. It is inspiring and refreshing. The playing field is the universe itself. Oh hang on, I’m thinking of Star Wars Monopoly!

Allen A. Alan, Birthday – Present, British Placebologist and Alternative Scientist, Passed Go, Collected £200.

Illness: Astro – Intestinal Pleading

Discovered by: Physicist, Professor Brian Cox and his Research Comedian Dara O’Briain noted the phenomenon when investigating the topical application of factual information to astrologers. As Prof. Cox and Dara O’Briain are not placebologists they could not attain full alternative understanding of the mechanism of the severe reaction that the contact between these two complex systems produced. Like intelligent people with baffled faces watching an infuriated porpoise flail against a delicious ice-cream they’d offered it, they couldn’t possibly describe what was happening in placebological terms. Luckily Dr Alan noticed the poor bewildered space porpoise but not the use of simile and was able to offer a more or less precise description of the process in terms of its alternative pathology.

Epidemiology: By definition astro-intestinal pleading can only occur in the subset of astrologers capable of comprehending every other word about physics while simultaneously summoning a sense of outrage as well as smashing their fists against a button to sign a petition. Importantly these astrologers have often had accidents dislocating their outrage organ in the past causing it to be misplaced. The proportion of astrologers affected by this condition can therefore be understood by observing the Venn diagram below. Those concerned that the facts of the diagram itself will cause astro-intestinal pleading in any astrologers reading this can relax as astrologers believe Venn diagrams have to be thousands of light years away and on fire before they can affect terrestrial matters.

Figure 1. Some random circles in a pattern that doesn’t mean much of anything unless you want it to. If you like you can call it a Venn diagram. I did.

Aetiology: Understanding astro-intestinal pleading as a disease entity is slightly more complex compared to some other alternative illnesses due to the differences in alternative anatomy that astrologers possess. While all alternative bodies are made up of alternative cells with the usual components of alternative nuclei, alternative mitochondria and other common components of cells which I definitely know all about, the cells of astrologers contain an additional organelle. These are known as celestial bodies and can be seen if you want to take the time and know how to do it. Why this is the case and why it only occurs in astrologers is not currently understood. Ancient Greek alternative physicians used to believe that celestial bodies grew in the alternative cells of individuals born when Pluto (which they hadn’t heard of) was floating heroically through the phlogiston towards the apex of Venus or something. Alternative science now laughs heartily at this idea until it realises it’s a ridiculous, fictional concept and then it stops. The abstract laughter of a fictional concept is justified in this case. The idea that this space ballet can affect biological events, no matter how alternative, in such a specific way is nonsensical for reasons obvious even to that baby over there. No, not that one.

            The effects of the additional alternative organelles on the body of an astrologer are to change the way their alternative gastro-intestinal system works. The alternative digestive system as well as processing alternative food e.g. probiotic yoghurt, is responsible for the digestion of information.  Facts enter the alternative system through the alternative mouth, are broken down into their component truths by the alternative enzyme veritase and metabolised into useable information. Non-useable information, technically known as obvious rubbish is excreted from the alternative rectum. In astrologers however the alternative gastro-intestinal system works in reverse. It seems they are able to function perfectly well in this manner.

From this basic knowledge of the alternative alternative anatomy of astrologers the aetiology of astro-intestinal pleading can be deduced. When facts are applied to the astrologers capable of partially listening to physicists in the traditional sense, their alternative gastro-intestinal systems cannot process it because of all the stuff you just read. Bad things then happen. Not as bad as some things but certainly worse than if you’d just read the more sensible bits of the newspaper. The cartoons perhaps.

Symptoms: Facts ingested through the alternative mouths of affected astrologers are obviously not going to be processed as they are with non-astrologers. Their alternative gastro-intestinal system attempts to dislodge the inserted information through a massive eructation of waste product. While unpleasant this is simply their alternative body reacting naturally to an unwelcome presence inserted in an uncomfortable manner.

Symptoms resulting from this expulsion therefore include angry petition writing, compulsively checking newspapers to make sure the magic words don’t predict a horrible, snotty death for them and angrily shouting the word, “alignment” into the unfeeling darkness of space.

Treatment: The condition of astro-intestinal pleading can be avoided entirely if information is presented correctly to the astrologers. As it is not possible to predict which astrologers can randomly listen to science, all astrologers must be treated in the following cautious manner. Any reading must first be cooled and generalised so it can equally be applied to all astrologers. If any written matter presented to them is too specific and then doesn’t happen in real life as predicted, the astrologer may be make a sad face and be forced to ignore said written matter. All written matter must have a small picture at the top. It isn’t really important what this picture is but an animal or some sort of jug is usual. As long as these precautions are taken then astrologers should be prepared to insert the information in their traditional fashion.

If an astrologer should actually develop astro-intestinal pleading then some comfort can be taken as the condition is not fatal. Once the incorrectly inserted factual matter has been expelled then the astrologer should suffer no continuing ill effects. Approximately 8.3% of astrologers affected will remain a bit crabby for a period after the episode. Regular trips to the zoo can help relieve this. No curative treatment is necessary and the alternative illness can usually be treated symptomatically by ignoring it.

Chapter 9: Water, water everywhere and there's more than a drop to drink:Toxic Homeopathic Underdose

The good physician treats the disease; the great physician treats the patient who has the disease

William Osler, Canadian Physician, 1849-1919

The good homeopath induces or worsens the disease, the great homeopath misleads the patient into thinking they have the disease.

Allen A. Alan, British Placebologist and Alternative Scientist, 10.23 am – Present

Illness: Toxic Homeopathic Underdose

Discovered by: On January 30^th 2010, more than four hundred homeopathy sceptics nationwide took part in a mass homeopathic 'overdose'. Apparently the aim was to demonstrate that as homeopathic remedies contain no active ingredients then they can’t lead to overdose or side-effects. The public would then become aware that these homeopathic treatments contain nothing. As these events occurred some time ago at the time of writing it is now appropriate for an alternative scientific explanation of these events in relation to the central homeopathic concept of, “too little, too late”.

That this event required formal placebological description was flippantly documented by Dr Dean Burnett, a neuroscientist or brain-smith and reported to the office of Dr Alan. Sadly Dr Alan was on a working holiday documenting the effects of exposure to night rainbows on eye psoriasis. Luckily the pigeon that reads and transcribes Dr Alan’s e-mails was patient and was able to pass this urgent scientific note on at once. It is Dr Alan’s fondest hope that this meeting of these three great scientific minds will go down as one of the most existing stories in the history of placebology. Jonty feels that this would be quite a “coo.” This may be a mistranslation due to his pigeon English. Dr Burnett was not contacted but we can assume he agrees based on nothing.

Epidemiology: Primarily there are two concepts that need to be addressed. The group of 400 people who attempted homeopathic “overdose” were clearly highly educated placebologists with a sound understanding of homeopathic principles. As homeopathic medicine becomes stronger the more it is diluted and shaken about a bit, the more you take the less powerful it becomes. The real danger is the toxic homeopathic underdose.  It is reported that many and possibly lots of people place their lives at risk of homeopathic poisoning by not taking any homeopathic medicine at all. Luckily the actual occurrence of toxic homeopathic underdose is extremely rare due to the fact that people drink water. This goes some way to provide a massive dose of natural background homeopathy and leave the majority with only mild symptoms of underdose. The people at most risk of underdose are dehydrated scientists.

Aetiology: As already partially described, homeopathy definitely works and no joking by attempting to cause symptoms in people already experiencing symptoms. What happens next then right, is that the body notices the new symptoms that it already has and cures them itself. Hold onto your hats though because how homeopathic remedies are made is by adding something that produces the symptoms you want to some water and then adding more and more water until there is none of what you originally added left in the water. But wait then it gets good, you shake the water a bit and it can remember what was in it. It only remembers the stuff you want it to remember though, not all the dinosaur shit and pheasant urine and negative vibes from grumpy frogs before you try to get smart. The aetiology of the toxic homeopathic underdose can be simply and logically deduced from these basic underlying principles of the real thing that is homeopathy and its well clever way of reinterpreting all of physics and biology.

The less of an active homeopathic ingredient present in a remedy the more powerful it is. Therefore those that do not take any homeopathic remedies at all are at risk of experiencing enormous, throbbing homeopathic effects and the severe symptoms of a toxic homeopathic overdose. As has already been hinted at, people and animals and plants and chiropractors tend to consume water. While not acting as proper homeopathic remedies like you can buy in the shops for money, the water is at least likely to contain a trace of homeopathic remedy that has been flushed down a toilet in disgust. This provides a small enough dose to place most people safely in the territory of homeopathic overdose or at least remove their risk of underdose. The safe background level of homeopathy that an individual must be exposed to to avoid toxic homeopathic underdose is known as the Two Short Plank’s Constant.

Symptoms: Symptoms experienced by the patient depends exactly on which homeopathic remedy that they haven’t taken. For example if they haven’t taken a homeopathic remedy that is designed to cause them to have toothache when they already have toothache then their teeth will lapse into tremendous pain, fall out and then explode removing their big toes. The events described will not necessarily occur in that order. Conversely if the individual has not taken a homeopathic remedy that is designed to induce the symptoms of a homeopathic underdose of a homeopathic remedy that is designed to induce toothache when they already have toothache then their teeth will do something too complicated to work out right now. I don’t know, they’ll probably jump up into the patient’s brain or something. My brain hurts.

As such it is vital that any placebologist attempting to diagnose a toxic homeopathic underdose has an unwieldy manual explaining the effects of all the homeopathic remedies. Or you can guess if you like. It’s up to you really.

Treatment: The prevention of toxic homeopathic underdose is seemingly straightforward. Simply taking some of the homeopathic remedy that will cause the symptoms that you might have if you don’t take it should be enough to avoid a dreadful fate. As already stated drinking water may be enough to avoid this. But are you willing to take that chance? Best to spend your money and a homeopathic practitioner can give you some indistinguishable water just in case. This is real value as they might also give you some dangerous advice.

 If a patient is already suffering from the symptoms of an underdose then this is understandably more complex. Homeopathic theory realistically states that a defect in the life force of the individual is going to exist because of stuff that they say. In placebological terms a “defect in the life force” can be more accurately described as alternative physical damage to the alternative body. As such alternative surgery may be required to repair this damage. This can involve anything from something to something else. The most common alternative surgery performed is homeopathic surgery where the surgeon does not perform a certain complex operation and the defect repairs itself. Through principles we have already explored, letting a homeopathic surgeon actually perform surgery would be extremely dangerous and should never occur.

For more information on the 10:23 campaign and why homeopathic remedies don’t work and the harm caused by homeopathic practitioners you can click on this link or the link above. Away with you now!

Chapter Three. In the jungle, the mighty jungle the corpse of a lion makes a sort of damp grunt: Beast Orchestra

The highest possible stage in moral culture is when we recognize that we ought to control our thoughts.

Charles Darwin, The Descent of Man, 1871.

A colleague once suggested I introduce culture into the lives of some of my more socially deprived patients. I don’t know why, they didn’t particularly enjoy being covered in yoghurt.

Allen A. Alan, The Scent of Man, 2006.

Illness: Beast Orchestra

Discovered by: Beast orchestra was first observed in existing human and rhythmic sound-producer Lady Gaga and was described by Dr Alan in The Journal of Proper Provable Alternative Illnesses So Shut Up, July 2010.

Epidemiology: Beast orchestra is only observed in individuals who watch the episode of the documentary series Inside Nature’s Giants where a lion and a tiger are dissected. Inside Nature’s Giants was a series where large animals were dissected for public education. And Richard Dawkins was there. Particularly susceptible to the effects of this television programme are those with televisions on which to watch it.

Aetiology: The disease is transmitted by air vibes to the the alternative optic nerve from the television. These air vibes take the form of wavy particles which flow from this particular documentary. Only the Inside Nature’s Giants documentary transmits these wavy particles or “warvarticles” as a result of proper scientific quantum effects. And also angels. When they reach the viewer’s optic nerve they massage the nerves inducing synaptic relaxation. Synaptic relaxation then spreads to two specific areas of the brain; The blurb of Travolta and the no sursum frenum. The blurb of Travolta is responsible for accurate recognition of dead animals and the no sursum frenum translates the sounds made by semi-popular boy band McFly into a comprehensible form of music which is less damaging to the rest of the nervous system. Synaptic relaxation in these neural structures reduces their functional capacity, producing the symptoms observed in beast orchestra.

Symptoms: Beast Orchestra manifests primarily with behavioural problems. In Inside Nature’s Giants the lion’s roar is reproduced by attaching a powerful air-pump to a lion’s trachea. The lion is dead and dissected at the time. Although admittedly if it were not this action would certainly reproduce its roar. On observing this, the individual with beast orchestra will suddenly think of doing this with all manner of animals to construct a large zoological instrument. Sufferers with mild beast orchestra will be content to merely think about this as an idea. Those with severe beast orchestra should not be allowed near zoos or even pet shops. For further information look up Frank Clayton, creator of the gerbil harmonica.

Treatment: As beast orchestra is induced through synaptic relaxation following quantum massage of the optic nerve through the medium of warvarticles it follows that the cure requires the relevant neural structures to become tense once again. This can be simply achieved by allowing the patient to watch a single episode of the BBC thought experiment My Family. Caution must be taken with the administration of My Family as more than two episodes constitutes an overdose, toxic to the brain structures responsible for the processing of comedy.

Chapter 2. Don't lick a man while he's down: Apathetic Shingles of the Tongue.

Equipped with his five senses, man explores the universe around him and calls the adventure Science.

Edwin Powell Hubble, The Nature of Science, 1954

Why is the film The Sixth Sense called The Sixth Sense? He’s sees dead people. That’s just using your eyes. That’s already a sense!

Allen A. Alan, The Nature of Bruce Willis, 2001

Illness: Apathetic Shingles of the Tongue.

Discovered by: Who cares?

Epidemiology: This alternative illness mainly affects women and other people such as men. The spread of apathetic shingles of the tongue is fairly even worldwide and there is no known geographical focus. It is certainly not true that the symptoms of the disease are much worse in Belgium. That would be ridiculous. There is no such place as Belgium. It is also very uncommon in children due to factors apparent from the aetiology. That sounds like science doesn’t it. Which is of course the point. That’ll be £10 please.

Aetiology: More like eat – iology! Because of mouths. Just a joke there. I’m sure you noticed. As with shingles in the actual body, which can only occur if you have had chicken pox in the past, apathetic shingles of the tongue can only occur if you have had Laissez-faire varicella of the uvula. LVU once recovered from, remains dormant in the mouth causing only slight stickiness of the teeth chakras. Is the plural of chakra, chakras or chakra? I saw that Shakira once. It wasn’t surprising. I had bought tickets to her concert. If “bought” is Latin for made my own with a combination of crayon and wishful thinking. So I didn’t really see her. So to summarise the answer to your question, yes chakras are real. If in later life the LVU becomes reactivated, it does so as apathetic shingles of the tongue.

Reactivation of LVU can occur for many reasons. Usually it is due to overexposure toxins. Toxins are everywhere. A comprehensive list of all known toxins is included in and includes the popular scientific journal The Daily Mail. It can also reactivate if the tongue becomes sad for any reason. So whatever you do, don’t get a sad tongue. Avoid it at all costs. The ways to do this are obvious.

Symptoms: Initially the individual will notice a rash. This rash will spell the name of a flavour of crisps that the sufferer’s tongue wants. Usually this decision will be ill-considered. Hence the name rash. The individual will be overcome by a desire for that flavour of crisps. When they eventually succumb to this desire and eat the crisps, their tongue will be too lazy to taste them. In fact with more crisps the tongue becomes more and more filled with ennui. Eventually after about 11 packets the tongue will be become so apathetic it falls out. Then how are you supposed to insult small children?

Treatment: Luckily the treatment is fairly simple as long as it is completed before the fifth packet of crisps is consumed. After this the condition becomes incurable and the sufferer’s tongue is destined to be on the floor. Unless they catch it as it falls out. Or a cat steals it. Or some sort of fox. The animal. Not a sexy person. Why would they want a tongue? Don’t be disgusting! The patient must simply lick their own elbow once. The tongue will be so confused that it is shocked out of its apathy and the rash instantly vanishes.

Chapter 1. Standing on the Shoulders of Giant Ants: About the Author



Who is Dr A. A. Alan?

Dr Allen Alun Alan is a well respected placebologist and alternative scientist. He was born in a location very close to his mother and has been getting older ever since. An unusual child he learned to walk before he learned to crawl and to run before he could walk. He was always falling over. Dr Alan was educated through the usual means of trial, error and television from the age of 5 to 18 years. His favourite subjects were science and creative writing. At the age of 18 (where we left him at the end of the last sentence) he applied to and successfully attained a place at the renowned Bridgeox University of Definite Learning. It was there he achieved his BASc Genetic Mixology. His final year project in attempting to crossbreed cats and dogs using a combination of wishing and cannon fire was later to earn him the Nobel Peace Prize. The first time any alternative scientist was to claim such a thing.

Dr Alan continued his purely academic career at Bridgeox by studying for his P-HD (ready) in Placebology under Professor Massakshun, the foremost authority on placebology at the time. Prof. Massakshun attained a certain level of fame in the past by being the first alternative scientist to demonstrate that crystals made of homeopathy could heal a person suffering from geocentrism. Dr Alan was later to surpass this by going on to show that this technique was also effective for curing perpetual motion and the effects of alien probing when combined with bovine faeces.

Dr Alan currently works in the Bridgeox Hospital of Proper Alternative Medicine and has treated over a certain number of patients. His star sign is both Capricorn and Libra. The luckiest combination.

What is Placebology?

Placebology is the study of alternative treatments for alternative illnesses that affect your alternative body. It concerns such diseases as Idealism of the Pelvis and Gopher Face. Placebology is a unique branch of medicine in which it is only concerned with diseases which affect the alternative body and as such can only be treated with alternative medicine. As such many of the treatments for alternative illnesses have to be especially made-up by practitioners of placebology or placebologists as they might like to be called.

What has this got to with actual medicine?

Absolutely nothing. Many of the words are the same as in actual medicine due to the necessity of getting people to understand what is being described to them. In fact the alternative anatomy of the alternative body uses most of the same terms as the anatomy of the actual body. This is thought to be coincidental by many placebologists. However an unfortunate side effect of this convergence is that placebology is often confused with actual medicine and indeed the non-proper alternative medicines such as homeopathy that are often described in certain newspapers. Luckily the proper alternative medicines have almost no affect on actual illnesses and only affect the alternative illnesses described in this guide. The difference between proper and non-proper alternative medicine is a complex one cannot be adequately described with words. In fact anybody who attempts to do so will not demonstrate anything of any meaning. Luckily most placebologists are not concerned with meaning. Hopefully this clears things up.

Do I have an alternative body?

Of course you do. Everybody does. Except for Richard Dawkins. Dawkins’ drowned following a tragic boating accident involving a boat and some water. The terrible consequences of a lack of alternative body will be discussed later in this guide. The alternative body is connected to the actual body via the Cartesian Tendon. A difficult to detect attachment which presumably evolved due to the environmental pressure of Creationism. Its main purpose as stated is to maintain the connection between the alternative and the actual body and to ensure the alternative body maintains a sense of vagueness. Maybe.

But what if my alternative body develops an alternative illness?

Then you should go and see your local Placebologist immediately. Sadly placebology is an expensive business and you will probably be required to pay a substantial fee. This is worth it however when the treatment is a success and you feel exactly like you did before you had the treatment, except a bit happier.

Is any of this advisable?

Probably not. But are you prepared to take that risk?